People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now