People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.