People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program