People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
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The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
So many pants.
So little yoga.