People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
mom had nothing to worry about
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”