People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
You Might Also Like
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
No laws when master is gone
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6