People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
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*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?