People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️