People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
You Might Also Like
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
i just found this in my phone
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…