People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end