People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
(Jupiter –
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.