People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.