People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.


The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.


what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.


I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.


Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.


Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*


The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.


“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”


[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.


It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.