People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Ooops wrong house😂😜
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Happy birthday to all the women
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.