People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Meow
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?