@MySickthSense

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

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@liberalcannon

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

@UncleDuke1969

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

@Ygrene

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

@3sunzzz

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

@supershayne

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

@couch_goblin

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

@Tbone7219

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@amishschool

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.