People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
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My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
In case you needed to hear it:
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.