People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.