My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
You Might Also Like
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Me: Oh phew!
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Seals are just dog mermaids.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same