People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Happy thanksgiving!
Planet of the Apps.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.