People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
You Might Also Like
This is not me but this is me
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”