People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?