People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)