People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: This date is going well
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving
She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.