People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125