people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
a lot to unpack here
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa