People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Hey I worked for it too!
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.