People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
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Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.