People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*