People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore