People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
New comic up. “Ransom”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!