People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
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Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs