People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You’re the water to my grease fire.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life