People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome