People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Brb my Sims are getting married
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT