People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.