People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*