People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

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If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”


T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…


Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon


Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.


Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.


I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”


No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.


3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house


[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff


MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry