@MichaelTrying If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
@JimmerThatisAll People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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@MichaelTrying 
@myonlymizztake T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
@ThatB_OverThere Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
@JohnLyonTweets Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
@TheAlexNevil Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
@curlycomedy I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
@wakeelee No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
@XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
@ElgatoEsmio [DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
@cepheusjackson MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry