People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.