People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
You Might Also Like
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
This story is comedy gold 😂
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.