Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.