People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
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Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day