People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
shampoo implies shampee
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.