People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Best spot.. 😅
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Labreador
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button