People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.