People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table