People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
There’s never enough good news
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter