People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
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*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish