People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
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🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
OKAY DAD
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.