People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
pep talk
