People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
then why did i get this email
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.