People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.