People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.