People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
A man of commitment.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”