@torrami “Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
@BabyFishMouth5 People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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@torrami 
@MedusaOusa If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
@junejuly12 Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
@AndrewsNotFunny Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
@robdelaney ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
@zolofighter ” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
@kevinthedad Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
@LeahsLounge I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
@StrangerTings5 *Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
@PaulSchissler People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole