@BabyFishMouth5

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

You Might Also Like

@torrami

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

@MedusaOusa

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

@junejuly12

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

@AndrewsNotFunny

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

@robdelaney

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

@zolofighter

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

@kevinthedad

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@StrangerTings5

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

@PaulSchissler

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole