@BabyFishMouth5

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

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@david8hughes

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

@Rollinintheseat

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

@jwoodham

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

@GreenishDuck

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

@carlyken

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

@DannyZuker

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

@Brohamulet

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.