People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
the only bumper sticker ill allow
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.