Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.